I was enlightened, I had the truth. Testable, controllable proof you can observe and measure. Over the years the passion I had started to become more subtle, but always remained solid and strong. I entered into my mid 20's very well educated in the philosophy and understanding of the generals leading New Atheism into legitimacy. I read their books, watched their debates, watched the conferences, kept up to date on the current arguments and all the while had no idea what I was talking about. I blindly followed these prominent people and bought into whatever they threw out there because they were smart, educated, held positions in prestigious universities and had a unifying characteristic that I latched onto; they were angry, bitter, jaded, and found a way to "fuck the system" on a civil platform that demanded attention. And there was no one who could walk to the debate stage with these people and walk away with their head held high or their beliefs unshaken. The fact of the matter is the New Atheism leadership had perfected the art of making people look stupid. I related to that more than anything. Bitter, jaded, nothing matters and everyone's an asshole so do whatever makes your happy at the moment. If someone has a problem with it they can mind their own business because it doesn't concern or affect them. Live and let live and stay out of other people's lives.
Heading into my late 20's I had a realization that diffused a lot of my animosity towards religion. I realized that I didn't know a single thing about what I've spent my entire adult life hating. There were crazies and ignorance aplenty that I had drawn attention to so as to justify my claims about these people. But all things being equal, you find assholes no matter where you go in life. I slowly started to realize I'd been attacking a straw man all this time. No bit of information I had learned over the years had been taught and presented without bias towards my "side" of this battle. There was bias to be found on the other side, no doubt. But I wanted to learn the basics of what the "other side" was so vigorously defending. This journey would be the undoing of everything I held onto that defined me.
I would spend a long while confused, going back and forth between what was familiar and what was new and I struggled more during this time than at any other point in my life. I was torn and those closest to me had no sympathy for my plight. They didn't share my doubts and they didn't share my interest in examining religion with a new point of view. I had been shunned for my ambiguity and the farther away I strayed the lonelier it became.
Then one day it finally happened. I had what I would call at the time an "epiphany" that lead me to go to church on my own for the first time in my life. I knew there were lots of Catholics where I lived (Massachusetts) so I found a church near by and started going. I got there pretty early and I remember walking in and being humbled at how beautiful the inside of the building was. There were a few people who were already there but I felt like I had the privacy and solitude at the moment to sort out what I was feeling. I sat down, looked around, and felt a feeling that was burning in my chest that I never felt before. I couldn't explain it, I didn't know how. It was the first time in 28 years that I had felt the spirit in my life. I remember whispering out loud to myself "so this is why people go to church. I finally get it." I knew I had finally found the direction to take my life in but I was not on the right path just yet. I spent a few months going to that Catholic church, trying to keep up during mass and trying to learn what I could but most of the time I just felt lost as to what was going on, and I wasn't getting the meaning to it all. One day I met with a woman who worked for the church to get the information I needed about what I should be doing to further myself along in the church. She was a very sweet lady, old as dirt but was overjoyed to sit down with me and answer my questions and give me some direction. I told her my story up to that point (mostly) and told her where I was in my spirituality, in my religious knowledge and where I wanted to be. She went over the basics of Christianity and I was able to keep up. Then she got into the specifics of Catholicism. I will never forget this, she said to me "you're going to learn about the mystery of faith." And I looked at her with a very quizzical look and said "what do you mean? Mystery?" to which she excitedly replied "oh yes, you'll learn all about it. The great mystery of the Catholic faith. I can't wait for you to start learning." and this was confusing to me, and irritating. I took a small bit of offense to this 'mystery of faith' and sat up straight, lean forward and made my thoughts as clear as I could without badgering this poor woman. My response was "what do you mean great mystery of the catholic faith? I have mystery, I have tons of it. I didn't come here for more mystery I came here for answers, do you have the answers or not?"
Well she didn't. They didn't. That church didn't. So I left her office and never went back. Even though I viewed this as a huge setback, I didn't lose a bit of my resolve to figure "all this" out for myself. I needed information on what made all the different churches out there special and unique from all the other churches out there. So I hit the interwebs in search for truth. A few months prior to this point I had been best man in my cousins wedding. His wife was raised in the Mormon church but had not been in 10 years. I had heard of Mormons from South Park. Their episode taught me all I knew. Most of my research into other denominations produced very similar information. Plus all these different churches all branched off from Catholicism. If the Catholics didn't have it right, how could an offshoot of the Catholic church be correct? Didn't make any sense. So I looked up the Mormons. I read a little about their core beliefs and their history, and if nothing else they had a different story to tell and a very unique history that no other church I'd read about it could compare with. This church made some bold claims. I read about prophets, golden plates, temples and underwear, sounded like orc mischief to me. On my way off their website I stumbled across a video of some guy who worked for the church, giving what seemed to be a motivational speech. By this point I had my mind made up about this Mormon stuff. But I felt I should watch the video, hear about the church and this Joseph Smith guy from the mouth of an employee of the Mormon church. So I clicked play. What followed was a talk by a gentleman named Jeffrey R. Holland. He was speaking at an event called "General Conference" held twice a year by the church where it's leaders prepare talks to give guidance, inspiration, hope, and information about the status of the church. I found out that Jeffrey R. Holland was a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, and his talk "Safety for the Soul" that I accidentally stumbled upon changed my entire life in ways you normally read about in books. It was a talk about the origin of the Book of Mormon, and the final events and moments surrounding the murder of the churches leader Joseph Smith, and the murder of his brother Hyrum Smith. Every question that I had was answered, and questions I didn't know I needed to ask were answered as well. Sitting at my computer I had a spiritual experience that has never been rivaled. By the end of Elder Holland's talk I would have done anything he asked, I would have been baptized right then and there if I could have.
I clicked my way through the website to request my free copy of the Book of Mormon. A few days later those dreaded white shirt and tie missionaries came to my house to give me my free book, and answer any questions I might have. I don't remember a lot of what was said, They asked me a few basic questions about my knowledge of Jesus Christ and of Joseph Smith. What do I remember was that spiritual experience I had felt before was there again, testifying to me spirit to spirit that I had found what I had been looking for. These young men had the answers to my questions. As they taught me the core beliefs and history of the church, that spiritual feeling became stronger and more clear, talking to me and bearing witness that I was finally hearing the truth, the most important truth I would ever hear.
I was baptized in less than 3 weeks. I excelled as a new convert but not without growing pains. Changing my lifestyle and behavior proved (and continues to be) a process. I had moments of weakness in the following months. I took a long serious look at how I'd lived my life and struggled to come to terms with it. But never did I doubt what I had learned, never did my faith flinch. The only thing that suffered was my ego. I stuck it out, made mistakes, came back from them, and stayed on the path the LDS church was taking me.
Year and a half later I am living in Utah. I've been through the temple and completed all of the ordinances performed within them and entered into the accompanying covenants you make while going through the temple. I had a temple marriage last month to my eternal companion. I've received both priesthoods and am now a Sunday School teacher in my ward, I teach Gospel Doctrine.
I'm still who I was before in many ways. I don't pretend to be this perfect little Utah Mormon that didn't live the life I did or do the things I wish I hadn't. I am very open and honest about my past, more so than I ever have been. I'm big, I'm bald and have tattoos up and down my arms. I swear (despite my best efforts) and I will never fit into the mainstream culture of the church. I am sarcastic (as best I can be) and still have a sense of humor that couldn't get anymore shallow. A lot of people who have had trouble accepting the changes I've made in my life over the last year and a half. Some have accused me of being fake or trying to be someone or something I'm not. Part of those accusations come from their ignorance of the LDS church and what is really taught and believed. The rest of the accusations come from a clear and unwavering prejudice against the church with a closed door policy for discussion about it. Some members of my family cut off all communication with me, the only family who came to my baptism were my mother, my cousin and his wife who I best manned for at their wedding months earlier, and that was it. My stepfather wouldn't go, stepsisters wouldn't go, I had one single friend who came to support me in addition to the 3 others.
Being raised in Massachusetts and having a circle of friends who deeply rooted their beliefs in everything I just walked away from lead to fight after fight, confrontation after confrontation and eventually lead to the dissolution of many friendships. Some of those people I've lived with, been on vacation with, and went to their wedding. My gay friends were on the front line, prop 8 was a board that they beat me over the head with. I was a Mormon, and therefor a gay bashing close minded bigot. Never once was I given the chance to tell them what I felt and thought about the church's teachings and how we could still be friends. That idea, apparently, just proved I was a hypocrite. I still struggle with some of those people, trying to find new common ground. Some have cut me off, refusing any and all contact with me. Some I've let go from my life, their choices, beliefs and lifestyles have lead them to a place where our friendship is unable to survive.
I've spent a great deal of time trying to get my life to work right. I have a family, a home, I start college in a few days, and I have the answers to the big questions that can't be found anywhere else. I've received the gift of healing in my life, and I've helped bring that to others. I take a long look at how I lived my life up until last year. The bad choices I made over and over, being a victim to my circumstances, just letting life drag me along without any thought to where I was going or what state I would be in if I made it there. I realized that I wasn't living, I wasn't even surviving. I was stuck in the same place making the same mistakes for years and years. That isn't a life. Some have had the audacity to ask me "don't you miss the old days? How are you happy with all these "rules" this church puts on you?" I used to get mad and defensive when asked questions like these. Now I just feel deeply sorry for those people. They ask me "Don't you want to have a drink, don't you want to go out and get laid?" The question is so beside the point that I can't give them answer they will understand. Like "wanting to" was ever justification for anything.
I want to be very clear, I don't have a shred of doubt about the history or the authenticity of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I don't have a shred of doubt as to whether I made the right choice by being baptized into the church. Joseph Smith was called of God to be His prophet and usher in the dispensation of the fullness of times. I have always belonged here, this is always who I've been. I've tried to jam my round shape into every square hole I could find for as long as I remember. I've said and done horrible things to cover up that emptiness in my life, I will be first on the witness stand to testify about how imperfect and down right screwed up I am. I try very hard not to judge, I've been humbled an awful lot throughout this journey, it's helped me to see and admire things in people that I was never able to see before.
I don't expect anyone to believe what I do, I won't try to make you believe either. I will gladly answer questions you have, I will never give you an answer that I myself personally don't believe. If I don't know an answer I will tell you so. If I can't find a reliable answer, I will tell you that as well. In closing ... I will not argue, I will not debate. I will teach, I will testify, I will explain as best I can and if needs be I will agree to disagree. I will try to be as polite as I can, even if you make no such effort. No promises, I'm far from perfect. That's my story to bridge the gap of the last 2 years to anyone who is interested. Sorry for this being so long. I get a bit speechy sometimes. My goal is not to convert you (unless you ask) my goal is to get you accurate, reliable information that is as unbiased as possible.
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